If you’re looking for a recipe for Yorkshire pudding – or, if you’re a bit deranged, instructions on how to prepare a Yorkshire Terrier as a snack – you’re barking up the wrong tree. Here you’ll find the ten steps it takes to make a stunning Yorkshire Terrier that you’ll soon find it impossible to live without.
Step 1 – Collect Three Little Black Buttons
The first thing you’ll need to make a Yorkshire Terrier is three round black buttons of approximately equal size. These will make up the nose and eyes of your Yorkie. They should be clean, glossy and optimized to direct towards the tiniest hint of the possibility of food, triggered by as little as the whisper of a cheese wrapper.
Step 2 – Add One Warm Belly
The Yorkie has one of the fuzziest, warmest belly of all the dog breeds. Gather the softest, most kissable tummy you can find. Add plenty of long fur that gathers up leaves, twigs and snowballs in the winter. This belly is going to be very low to the ground, so it’s going to be prime for picking up a lot of debris unless the fur is kept very trimmed.
Step 3 – Connect Swivel Fixture To Neck
The proper Yorkshire Terrier is extremely attentive, and will tilt their head whenever they are spoken to, especially if asked a question that begins with, “Would you like to go…” or “Do you want…” A Yorkie must have a flexible swivel-neck that allows them to cock their head adorably to any question, many times throughout the day. The finished product should somewhat resemble a small owl.
Step 4 – Install Yapping Sound Unit
Yorkshire Terriers are excellent alert dogs, though they are not known for their ability to scare off intruders once they enter the home. Their volume typically meets or exceeds a maximum of 135 decibels, which is just louder than a jet engine. The Yorkie can be trained to save their bark for urgent situations, though that can be added later.
Step 5 – Genetically Engineer for Chromatophore Production
Most Yorkie owners have tripped over their dog at least once, or accidentally stepped on their toes to hear that heart-shattering scream. These dogs are also known to get lost in their own home, sneaking into small, cozy places for a nap. What few people realize, however, is that the well-bred Yorkshire Terrier possesses chromatophores, the same color-changing cells that allow octopuses and squids to camouflage perfectly with their environment.
Step 6 – Enlarge Stomach Cavity By 300%
Yorkshire Terriers are known for their ability to eat a disproportionately large amount of food in one sitting. While they should be given measured, controlled meal sizes, a Yorkie is always capable of gorging on ill-begotten snacks so they’ll be stuffed by the time you turn around upon hearing them getting into something they shouldn’t. The youthful Yorkie will be able to consume many snacks without gaining excess weight, though their metabolism does catch up with them later in life.
Step 7 – Add Wind-Up Mechanism
A Yorkie has plenty of energy that seems to come in bursts. One second, they’re running all around the house with a sock, the next moment, they’re curled up into a ball under a blanket. This feature is controlled by a hidden wind-up crank hidden on the nape of the dog’s neck. This crank should be set on a timer to be activated five times per day, at the hours of 6 AM, 9AM, 2PM, 8PM and 2AM.
Step 8 – Add Automatic-Rewetting Kissing Machine
The Yorkshire Terrier is known for their ability to seek out humans in need of comfort or some extra lovins’, and to tirelessly lick their face until it is red and raw. Despite the dog’s size, they are able to lick with a violent force of love that makes it impossible for you to ever cry or feel any hint of sadness. That tiny pink tongue never seems to dry out or get tired, a prime feature of the Yorkie.
Step 9 – Shrink
Yorkies can come in many sizes, you’ll want to shrink yours down to about 6 pounds, though variations are acceptable.
Step 10 – Enjoy
The completed Yorkshire Terrier is best enjoyed by families with children, the elderly, single women, single men, married couples without children, loners, socialites, and people of all political affiliations. Pretty much anyone can fall in love with a Yorkshire Terrier, even if they believe themselves to “not be a small dog person.”